Hey guys! So Brenda Drake is hosting this super cool blogfest over at Brenda Drake Writes. Go check it out! There are three awesome prizes offered by literary agent Weronika Janczuk from D4EO literary agency. To enter, all the entrants are posting the first line from their completed manuscripts.
Here's mine:
YA Fantasy
The Kingery Conservatory of Elemental Enchantment
I grabbed my backpack and glanced out the front window, half expecting to see a pair of eyes watching me from between the trees.
I changed it after some great feedback. I actually originally had it in two sentences, but for some reason started to second-guess myself and mushed it into one. I suppose I should have just trusted my instincts the first time around :-)
Anyway I've returned this to my first paragraph:
I grabbed my backpack and glanced out the front window, half expecting to see a pair of eyes watching me from between the trees. Which of course, was ridiculous, since it had only been a dream.
I like it...I would shorten the last part of your sentence.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes on your entry!
I think everything behind the dash could easily become the next sentence. I'm much more intrigued about the character expecting to be watched than I am about the dream they had. Without adding that it was a dream (at least in the first sentence) you leave us with enough questions to read on.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, nice. Just a little tweek and it'll be excellent.
Oh this is good. I love the tag at the end "since it had only been a dream". This opens up questions that force a reader to continue. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI feel like I'm being dropped in too late. I see "Grabbed" as something that happens after stimulus. It's already long, though. Still, here's my thought:
ReplyDelete"When the bell rang, I grabbed my backpack and glanced out the front window, half expecting to see a pair of eyes watching me from between the trees - which of course, was ridiculous, since it had only been a dream."
I like the idea of ridiculous paranoia, but I didn't like the "it." Like Hope Junkie said, saying "it" without any backstory makes me feel like I missed something, like I'm in the middle of the story. I also think it's too long. The bell and the backpack aren't important, so maybe you could just say she was looking out the window of her school and leave it at that.
ReplyDeleteI grabbed my backpack and glanced out the front window, half expecting to see a pair of eyes watching me from between the trees - which of course, was ridiculous, since it had only been a dream.
ReplyDeleteI like where you are going with this - but it feels too wordy. You can bring in the backpack in the second sentence if you need to.
so if you cut out the backpack, you have... "I half expected to see a pair of eyes watching me, which was ridiculous, of course, since it had only been a dream."
Interesting first line. I like the reference to the "eyes watching me".
ReplyDeletegrabbed and then glanced. The first word seems like we are in a hurry, but then "glanced" is a slower, more relaxed word. I think lining these two words up more would make a stronger sentence. I also think you could delete "between"... maybe: I grabbed my backpack and stole a quick peek out the front window, half expecting a pair of eyes to be watching me from the treeline.
ReplyDeleteI like this. It immediately sets up the feeling of tensions--suspense--fear...
ReplyDeleteVery good
Great sentence. It really sets up the tension.
ReplyDeleteOh dear, I'm wondering who's watching your character!!! :D
ReplyDeleteThere is some great tension here! I'm dying to know why this character is so paranoid :)
ReplyDeleteI like it. Where's the front window? A train? A house? Who is she expecting to see? I would read on to find those things out!!
ReplyDeleteI like the creepiness introduced with the eyes in the trees. Makes me want to read more..
ReplyDeleteI love this itteration. It builds tension and has hook and voice. No suggestions here, great job.
ReplyDeleteI know it's only one sentence and it's suppose to grab your attention, which it does at the end, but the beginning seems a bit 'too' vague for me. Although, I love the idea of starting out ordinary and finishing with a bang, which is actually what you did.
ReplyDeleteYour first line captures mystery, danger, and fear all in one. Instincts will rarely lead you wrong. Listen to them ... and to your heart,. Thanks for your thoughtful, kind comments on my first line, Roland
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ReplyDeleteI like your first line. I'm your newest follower.
ReplyDeletebethfred.com
I grabbed my backpack and glanced out the front window, half expecting to see a pair of eyes watching me from between the trees.
ReplyDeleteI get a sense of tension here, but it's diffused by "glanced", which to my mind indicates the briefest of looks, not something someone would do if she were expecting a watcher outside.
Thanks for sharing.
Instead of grabbing the backpack, maybe she could say, "I held my breath and glanced out the window". It seems like she's supposed to be tense and I don't think a casual action like grabbing a backpack sets that tone. But I would love to know what the dream was!
ReplyDeleteI like the sentence and it does pull me in. I don't see anything wrong with grabbing the backpack. Some thoughts:
ReplyDeletePerhaps your MC shrugs the backpack on while stealing a glance out the window, half expecting eyes...
Or I wonder if your MC could "feel" eyes instead of imagining them... not sure if that makes sense to the story.
good luck!
I like the first line, but feel like there's something missing. It works well as it is but it could be punchier. I don't quite know how though. Which I'm sure is incredibly helpful. I'm NOT a fan of the "it was only a dream" part. Maybe I've been conditioned to dislike it because USUALLY it's not done too well. Perhaps you could go into more detail of who/what she was expecting to be following her from behind the trees. How it made her feel. Really make us FEEL how she feels and then make us the reader feel stupid the way SHE feels stupid - because it was only a dream.
ReplyDeleteSomething to think about.
I think you've done a fine job, and I think many suggestions have made it better. I would maybe tighten it a bit more, and use a stronger verb than grabbed, but your latest sentence is strong.
ReplyDeleteI glanced out the front window as I wrestled with my backpack, half expecting to see a pair of eyes watching me from between the trees.
But I would hold off on the second sentence. Build the atmosphere, don't answer our questions immediately. Make us wait!
We usually like being teased. :-)
Thanks guys for all the feedback! I have a lot to think about :-)
ReplyDeleteI really like the first sentence, but the second has me a little confused, which I'm sure would be cleared up later. :)
ReplyDeleteNew follower...
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